Ah to have your first kiss on national television.
Bachelor contestant Heather had quite the night on The Bachelor tonight after getting the first one-on-one in Thailand and realizing that likely meant she was about to finally have her very first kiss with a boy.
Heather, who is 22 and only ever credited onscreen as a person who has never been kissed, shared that fact on night one, and ever since then we’ve all just been on the edge of our seats wondering when Heather would finally get to swap some spit with former football player Colton Underwood. It was obviously going to happen at some point, and tonight was her night.
Heather was giddy and nervous from the moment her name was on the date card to the moment the kiss actually happened, and honestly it was pretty relatable to the point where maybe there are some tips here that regular people could use to be kissed by the person they’re casually dating alongside multiple other people.
Maybe? We could try, at least.
Here, we have collected all the stages of pre-kissing, as shown to us by “Never Been Kissed” Heather.
1. Get excited! You just got a one-on-one date and your entire storyline is how you’ve never even been kissed, so that means you’re about to get real kissed.
2. Get prepared! Brush those teeth girl! And just know this is the last time you’ll be seen brushing with an electric toothbrush that’s not that one particular one that you’ll soon be doing ads for on your inevitable podcast.
3. Subtly let him know you’re into it. Wrap your legs entirely around him as a first hello.
4. Be cold. You purposely wore an outfit in which you are bound to be cold in a boat, so be cold. Make it known that you are cold, because he will have no choice but to try to keep you warm (even if he too is cold).
5. Later, you can find a new shirt that is “so Thailand” and then he’ll…high five you over it.
6. Listen to, as Colton said, “the sound of hope” in a giant seashell and hope it’s hope for a kiss.
7. Think too hard about it when he wonders “do you blow kisses?” Appreciate that he made a stupid joke.
8. Slowly get as close to his mouth as possible. Feed him?
9. Watch as he kisses each of his fingers. Hope he washes them before he sexily touches your hair later.
10. Allow him to feed you, forgetting that it will ruin your teethbrushing.
11. Appreciate his observational skills. “These rocks. The greenery. It’s nice.”
Listen, you just want to kiss a hot guy. He doesn’t have to be good at talking about landscapes. Or about anything, really.
12. Reveal that you dated a guy for EIGHT MONTHS without kissing him because neither of you were “feeling it,” but make sure this current virgin guy knows you’re not like, waiting to only kiss your husband or anything.
13. Accept that rose. You’re one step closer to those licky lips.
(Just a fun little reminder of those licky lips)
14. Accept “a little walk” on the beach in the dark in a foreign country, and be totally chill about how either that’s going to be super kiss-worthy or extremely murdery and there is no inbetween.
15. Freak the F out when fireworks start. Is that an explosion?! No, just a convenient, romantic thing happening just in time (unless you’re a dog).
16. Get kissed!
17. Accept your new identity as “has been kissed” but hope you get a new one next week, like maybe “assistant program manager,” which is your job.
What we hate the most right now is that we are so hungry and all we want is for Colton Underwood to feed us noodles, no kiss required. Unfortunately it looks like we’re going to have to feed noodles to ourselves, which is fine we guess, but damn this show for always giving us unrealistic expectations about love. And noodles.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.