Remember that time Becca Kufrin was brutally dumped by Arie Luyendyk Jr. . on television for nearly 40 minutes?
Of course you frickin’ do, but just in case somehow you don’t, The Bachelorette will remind you whether you want it to or not. Tonight’s premiere opened with sobs and actual tears dripping from the tip of Becca’s nose as she reminisced over Polaroids of her and Arie living happily ever after together during those two months of secret engaged bliss before he ripped her heart out and gave it to runner up Lauren Burnham. You will NEVER be allowed to forget this national heartache. NEVER!!
Arie and Lauren now have plans to get married privately on their own absolutely because they want to do that and not because ABC won’t give them a TV wedding, but who the heck cares at this point? We are all about getting emotional justice for Becca, and hopefully that’s what’s in store for her on The Bachelorette thanks to some of the true contenders we met this evening. But of course not all the contenders were true, and there’s a lotta questionable content to discuss and too much of it involves a male model named Jordan.
As we did with Rachel’s much less already dramatic season, allow us to present…The Bachelorette Premiere Awards.
Best Tear Falling From the Tip Of A Nose
If a girl’s gotta be shown sobbing over her garbage ex, it’s gotta be a true gross messy sobfest and this definitely was that.
We don’t know him personally but for at least the purposes of this show right now, he’s (Jean Ralphio voice) the wooooooorst.
Best Reminder That The State of Minnesota Banned Arie For Life
Never forget that the state of Minnesota banned Arie for life.
Best F Bomb
“Please don’t edit this out” indeed, Rachel Lindsay.
Kaitlyn Bristowe is apparently not of the belief that lighting sage on fire and waving it around a building/ring finger/vagina will help expel demons and/or bad exes. Weird.
We’re five minutes in and we’re already sick of doing the damn thing!
Best Chris Farley Impression
This originally said “worst thing a date could do to impress us” but then Garrett got that all-important First Impression Rose (which JoJo reminded us has determined the winner the past three seasons of The Bachelorette) sooooo we hope Becca likes Chris Farley.
Most Incorrect Jersey Shore Reference
Listen, it was a lot for us to deal with the Chris Farley impression and a Zoolander line within two minutes of each other, so by the time Jordan was f–king up “Gym, Tan, Laundry” with some goddamn salt spray, we were DONE.
Never has a man been more Chicago than Joe from Chicago.
(Bye, Joe from Chicago.)
Most Likely to Be Named Jean Blanc
Congrats, Jean Blanc.
Best Fake Enthusiasm for “Let’s Do the Damn Thing”
At least this guy said it in French.
Best Fake Enthusiasm for “Let’s Do the Damn Thing” 2
This guy just straight up copied Becca’s night one “let’s do the damn thing” proposal. No creativity whatsoever!
Best Fake Enthusiasm for “Let’s Do the Damn Thing” 3
Just gonna leave this here…
We’ve got a dad feeling about Garrett.
Most Terrifying Cardboard Cutout
We’ve got a lot of questions, Mike. Where did you get that cardboard standee of arch enemy Arie? Did you custom order it or did a producer give it to you? Do they just have a bunch of those lying around at ABC? How long did it take before some of the guys decided to take out their manly masculine anger out on that piece of cardboard? Why did you not practice your line better? How long have you had that manbun?
We want answers, Mike!
“I think I’ll get out of the limo and instead of showing off my great personality, I’ll suggest that one person should give more to a relationship than the other. She’ll love it.”
He counted to 12.
Some tough competition here but we decided we had to give the best chicken award to the guy who dressed like a chicken.
Most Camera Ready
Male model Jordan is already something else. He talked far more than anyone else in the premiere, though not to Becca. He spent six hours picking out his grey suit! He wore shoes that would make a noise like the heartbeat of a gentleman! We hate him. We love him. He’s horrible.
Most Transformative Year
How dare Becca get rid of a guy she’s met before but who showed no interest until she was on a TV show?!
Most Legitimate Brag
Legitimate, sure, but also very annoying.
Most Obvious Connection
Our money would have been on Blake getting that first impression rose, but alas we were incorrect.
Most Like Really Weird and Goofy and Awkward
She’s not a closet nerd, she’s just a regular nerd!
Most Geez Becca, Are You Really a Harry Potter Fan?
The spell is Expecto Patronum, Becca. Not Expecto Patronus. Pfft!
Most Definitely That Guy
Suuuure, your ex texted another guy on the show to say you suck but you’re not that guy, not that guy at all.
Bye, Chase. See ya never.
We Made This Gif Too So Here It Is
We have a feeling we’re gonna have a lot to gif and gripe about when it comes to Male Model Jordan so we might as well start now.
Check out our interview with Becca for a bit of insight on her man-choosing journey, and be sure to join us again next week for another chilling installment of Boys Being Annoying.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.